Tuesday, August 28, 2007

My Weekly Statistics

1. 1 in 5 Americans can't find the United States on a map.
2. 38% of all statistics are made up.
3. five fourths of all Americans have difficulties with fractions.

Monday, July 16, 2007

I agree with Barry Bonds.

Finally, Barry Bonds and I agree on something. Barry Bonds stated that it's "an embarrassment" for him to be wearing the (explitive) uniform. I call on Barry Bonds to retire in shame!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


Hell in a Handbasket is now completely Paris-Free.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

If the shoe fits...

Have you ever been to Tyler? Explain why it is not a backwater, hick filled town. Explain why the news in Tyler should be taken seriously.
I've been to Tyler... I've lived in Tyler... No one in Tyler inspired me to view the town with any serious consideration.

Monday, May 14, 2007

More common sense...

More common sense crap from the geniuses over at Yahoo! I can't believe someone is getting paid to write this stuff down.

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Final Frontier

"Scotty" (James Doohan) was cremated (of course - they waited until after he had passed on). His ashes were then sent into space... er, the New Mexico landscape. The news article here had little-to-no information. I'm guessing they needed more power.

"I'm givin' her all she's got capt'n!"

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Poor Judge sues Wealthy Dry Cleaner Proprietors

Actually, I'm willing to bet that this judge makes a little bit more than the proprietors of this dry cleaning business. And I'm certain that this pair of pants is not worth $65 million. What amazes me most is the quote from the article below:
"Because Pearson no longer wanted to use his neighborhood dry cleaner, part of his lawsuit calls for $15,000 — the price to rent a car every weekend for 10 years to go to another business."
If you don't want to patronize a business anymore... that's just fine. Take your business somewhere else. But don't ever expect the first business to pay for your inconvenience. That's bull$hit.
Try as I might, I couldn't find a link to any law that stated that residents in the District of Columbia have a legal right to a Dry Cleaner within a convenient distance from their home.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Warning Signs.

So, this kid has jeapordized his future with the Marine Corps simply because he wrote an essay that states: "“Blood, sex and booze. Drugs, drugs, drugs are fun. Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, s...t...a...b...puke. So I had this dream last night where I went into a building, pulled out two P90s and started shooting everyone, then had sex with the dead bodies. Well, not really, but it would be funny if I did.”
His lawyer states: “There was never any warning from the teacher that if she determined the paper to be offensive, she would then pass it along to the authorities.”

First of all... isn't that warning implied? Do our teachers really need to footnote every assignment with a statement indicating that the authorities will be notified if the student's actions are not in line with appropriate safety measures?
Second of all... if no one had been notified and this kid had come to school with "...two p90s and started shotting everyone..." wouldn't we be kicking ourselves for ignoring the warning signs?
Third... do we really want someone in the Marine Corps if he's made it to April of his Senior Year of high school and still hasn't learned that this may not be the most appropriate way to express himself on a creative writing assignment?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Don't read this...

It's not worth your time. Honestly... who gives a rat's @$$?

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

VT Grammar

I hate to make light of the VT massacre. While I am horrified at the actions of the gunman and the tragedy that ensued, I am also chagrined at the grammar and writing of a Dateline corrospondent Hoda Kotb. Her article indicates that she has Orange and Maroon blood, but no skills as a journalist. I'm appalled.

Her first sentence should be three sentences.
Her first paragraph ends with a preposition.
Her reference to school colors mispells "their".
Most of her commas should be periods or semi-colons.
She's "really hopeful".

Friday, April 13, 2007

Misleading Headlines.

Upon seeing the headline, I thought that this was definately an article for this blog. I thought that the man trying to steal an ATM lost his leg. I was excited to read about how the ATM fell on his leg and it was severed from his body. I was chuckling thinking about this guy in prison in a wheel-chair or hopping around on one foot for the rest of his life all because he thought it was a good idea to steal an ATM machine.
Little did I realize that he had already lost his leg. During the robbery attempt and subsequent flight, his prosthetic leg fell off. Still funny, but not quite as humorous as I had first thought.

Hold off on that Darwin Award nomination.

Monday, April 9, 2007

I'm baffled...

Iraq: No, we do not have weapons of mass destruction.

USA: Well, we don't believe you, so we're coming in to find them.

Iran: Hey guys, we're enriching uranium and should have enough for a nuclear weapon in about a year! We have up to 3,000 centrifuges doing the work.

USA: Well, we don't believe you. Since our President isn't very popular right now, we're not going to do anything to you.

But, look out for Ban Ki-moon. He's pissed, and he has the power to sanction you!

Monday, April 2, 2007

Offensive History

When studying history, simply omit the historical periods that cause you great discomfort or offense.

I have decided that there was no 42nd President of the United States. I am also quite certain that the Texas Rangers were the World Series Champions in 1994, and referees did not exist in June of 2006.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Boston Marathon Runners...

Lets all applaud Suni Williams. She's an astronaut for NASA who hasn't had an inter-state kidnapping and attempted murder charge. She's qualified for - and has decided to run in - the Boston Marathon.
However, she won't be in Boston next month. She actually won't be anywhere on the planet next month. Suni Williams is currently in-flight at the International Space Station. She's decided to run on a treadmill.
She's also not planning to be awake at the time of the race. Her sleep schedule is on Russian time, so she'll most likely run the race at another time.

Let me recap... she's running the Boston Marathon at another time, and in another place.

I'll be running the Boston Marathon as well, however, I will most likely be watching a baseball game in my apartment at the time, so I'll run it later on a treadmill somewhere outside of Boston.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Writing as a career.

Is this the kind of writing jobs there are out there? Any idiot can regurgitate simple common sense. Maybe that's why the auther listed his company, but not his name.
No wonder people tell me that I should write... they know that the pool of talent is very shallow.

And then there's Maggie...

It's easy to think that no one on this planet really cares deep down inside for anyone else. A simple drive around Plano will help you understand that no one seems to have any consideration for anyone else.
And then, I read a story about Maggie Catherwood.
Maggie had been waiting for a new liver. The day it came, she was asked to share her liver with a baby she had never met, in a family she had never heard of.
Maggie, and Allison Brown - the baby that received a second chance thanks to Maggie's love - both deserve recognition here for fighting against the selfishness that exists just about everywhere else.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Tap Water.

This is not where we should be focusing government investigations or directing tax-payer funds.
I won't even pretend like I understand the circumstances in this shooting, but one officer fired 31 times (according to the Yahoo!NEWS article). I don't have a working knowledge of fire-arms, but I believe that a standard magazine loaded hand gun holds 17 bullets (including the one in the chamber). That means that officer Oliver had to reload his weapon.
Doesn't that give you a minute to think, "Is that guy really armed? Should I really re-load and fire 14 more bullets into this vehicle?"

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Don't you think...

...that Capitol Punishment would be appropriate? This just makes me sick to my stomach. I can't imagine my little girl seeing something like this.

Somebody should take this guy out back and put a bullet in his head.

The Eyes of March?

This is why you should educate your children properly on Shakespeare. Had Yahoo! appropriately chastised and berated those that search for the "eyes of march" I would not be forced to do so here.
Here's your sign...

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Ugly Sorority Chicks?

Is this really news? I thought that this was pretty much standard operating procedure for sororities. I question why these girls were accepted into the sorority if they weren't up to Delta Zeta standards. I won't say that I agree with any of this. As a matter of fact - I think it sucks - but I don't care enough to write more than this.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Show about Nothing?

Just because Jerry Seinfeld successfully did a show about nothing, doesn't mean that this crap will fly!

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Why Social Security doesn't have any money.

If you're pretending to be retarded, don't go to court to ably contest a Canadian traffic ticket.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Trans-Gender Amphibians

Aren't there people that pay thousands of dollars and suffer enduring hardship and persecution for this?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The first step is admitting that you have a problem.

Can you believe this? I knew a guy going through this, and he didn't apologize to me. He was being rude and didn't let me borrow his sweater and I thought he should apologize for that. (This is an allusion to a television show).

Monday, February 19, 2007

This Week's sign that we're all going to hell.

If you're the President of the United States, and your wife wears the pants in your family... who's really in charge of the free-world? What happens if your wife is elected leader of the free world? Does that mean you're the first Ex-President to also be the first First Gentlemen? Or... do you simply take over your wife's old job in the Senate? How much political power do you have in the Senate if you are an Ex-President who's wife is the current sitting President?

If Hillary becomes President, and a former Arkansas governor becomes a Senator from New York, will Bubba have to hire new interns?

Friday, February 9, 2007

Sexy Cheerleaders make me uncomfortable.

If you were Russell Crowe, the headline of this post might well reflect your feelings towards cheerleaders who's only crime is that men want to parry and thrust.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Astronaut in Diapers

If you haven't read this, you ought to. This lady is crazy.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Tortilla Crisis

It seems that Mexican President Felipe Calderon is under pressure to relieve sky-rocketing tortilla prices. U.S. demand for ethanol has sent corn prices soaring. An activist was quoted as saying, "The right dehumanizes everything. We are living the consequences of the imposition of a government dominated by white-collar criminals. They are a danger to Mexico..." He must be a democrat. He criticizes the way things are, without offering any solution to the situation.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Ice Storm

Just in case you thought that the only problems in this world came from the Democrats, the illegal immigrants, the taliban, or the Good Humor man...

Now it seems that God is trying to kill people in Florida.

A large chunk of ice fell from the sky in Tampa. It landed on a Mustang GT completely crushing the roof of the car.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Monday, January 29, 2007

Death Party

According to Yahoo!NEWS Cubans in Miami are planning a death party for Fidel Castro. One quote from the article is, "...everybody will be very happy that the dictator cannot continue to oppress us himself...".
The reason that he cannot continue to oppress you is because YOU LIVE IN MIAMI! Sure, Fidel isn't a very nice guy, but this is macabre.

And people wonder why American society struggles against illegal immigrants.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Thank you to the Couch

...As soon as I finished my brief - but necessary - rant about the bag of crap that is Al Sharpton, I visited the couch and was reminded that Google news, while thorough, does not cover the kind of bullshit that should be highlighted on this page. Visit The Couch to read about how Tom Cruise claims that he is as historically important as Jesus Christ. You can also read about the suit that the city of new york has brought against local gun shops. It seems that you are considered a nuisance if you sell a gun to someone - even if you sell it to them legally - and they then use that gun in the commission of a crime. Can you say, "Abuse of the legal system"?


It looks like we may have to endure another Al Sharpton campaign. In this article from SFGate.com, Al Sharpton is quoted as saying absolutely nothing of importance. I've included three quotes from the article to show you all how much hot-air Al Sharpten can blow.

1. "I'm not making any endorsements today".
2. "We are going to keep talking and he [Barack Obama] knows I'm talking to everybody".
3. [Regarding his candidacy] "...once I see what these guys do or don't do".

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

An Open Letter to Microsoft Corporation.

Dear Microsoft,

I will unapologetically support your corporation and software with no regard for accuracy or relevance on any website and/or blog of your choosing. Please, offer me a payment package similar to Mr. Jelliffe's. Thank you for your consideration.

Kevin Craig


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

MSC Napoli looters

THIEVES. There's no better word to describe the people that are looting the cargo from the Devon shores. Some people seem to be claiming "Finders Keepers - Losers Weepers." I don't know what system of ethics has told these people that it's okay to take items from a ship-wreck; but, it's theft.
While the Coast Guard is attempting to allay any environmental risk, the local police department is being forced to provide security for the beached cargo.
On the news last night I saw some people taking diapers, one woman embarrassed to be taking cat food, some hauling away auto parts, and some even loading up a brand-new, barely wet, BMW motorcycle. I saw one guy rolling away a barrel of what I can only assume is some type of wine or spirit (in hind-sight: I may be unable to resist the temptation of an entire barrel of scotch).

I'm having trouble finding an article explaining the ship's source or destination. It would also be nice to find a manifest of the cargo - though I assume that would be pretty extensive. The ship was carrying almost 2,400 containers and about 150 of those are said to be carrying hazardous material.

Congratulations, citizens of Devon and nearby Dorset... You have qualified for this week's example of society's downfall.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Hell in a Handbasket

Here's my first post for my weekly Hell in a Handbasket blog.
This is where I intend to post my weekly articles that list how and why our society is going to hell in a handbasket.

This idea was first introduced in an article about the racism on Big Brother that I wrote for my orinal blog.

Be sure to check back to read information about Sen. Clinton's run for the Whitehouse.